DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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