To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
