You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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