His pubic hair was longer than his dick
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I am midnight drunk by noon
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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