all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
