Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
