you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
