Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
