I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
