I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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