Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
