You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
