When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
either way he was missing a nipple.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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