so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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