i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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