no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
