God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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