How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Randomize
