On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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