I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
