It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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