I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
