Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
