My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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