So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I skipped work to stalk him.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
