I'm going to jail i love you
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
