Heybabeimwearingurpanties
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
