just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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