seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
