Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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