If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
