Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
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you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
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for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize