The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
