Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
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Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
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One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
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