dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
