I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
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