How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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