I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
