your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
