Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
