I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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