he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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