FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
