I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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