and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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