I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
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were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
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I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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