How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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