Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
