I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
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I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
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Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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