i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
