im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
try to milk me bitch
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
