when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Houston, we have a blender
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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