you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
