For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
