Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Pants are for mortals
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
