Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
