The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
