I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
