toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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